Name:Seth Country:United States State:Alaska Metro:Juneau Gender:Male
Interests:Computers, women, Redbull, coffee and Full Throttle. Techno music, Family Guy, Futurama, The Simpso Expertise:If I had some, they'd probably be working on computers and playing instruments. Both are very fun a Occupation:Student Industry:Computers (Hardware)
Now, this may seem a little silly, I've talked to other people about this as well, so if you're reading this again Mary, sorry you got another dose of it. I recently lost a huge part of my life, it didn't make a huge impact for anyone else but me.
I have had this fantastic sweater, it's one I got for my birthday while I was going to the University of Alaska Fairbanks. At that time in my life, I really didn't feel that loved, I had hurt someone close to me actually, so I wasn't feeling my greatest. Everything in my life was changing and I wasn't going to stop it, but I was also in a point in my life where there weren't many constant aspects to my life. I had a pretty rough childhood to be quite honest, but I generally don't focus on that, but it does play a role in this story.
There was a couple who worked at the school I went to and graduated from. Bob and Glenda Hutton are their names and I had been in band since the 6th grade, I couldn't wait to get out of 5th grade actually to move into band. Mr. Hutton has been a huge part of my life for many reasons, being my band director was one of them. Then over the years, he became an even larger part of my life, he had saved me from myself by being the stern aspect that I really needed. I became depressed over the years of living a pretty rough life and he showed me the potential that I had and never gave up on me. He worked with me, even though I was a pain in the ass, but he never gave up. He'd leave the middle of his class to come pick me up and make sure I made it to school, he helped me out on band trips, so did Glenda. They let me study at their house, do my missed homework at their place and they fed me dinners quite a few nights. I was spending so much time with them, they became the parents I never had and I love them greatly for it. They made sure I, who I didn't think they needed to waste their time on, didn't waste my potential. They made sure I graduated, they made sure I made it into college, they made sure I had essential things I couldn't provide for myself being a young kid.
As I write this, I feel as if I let them down the past few years, all the hard work they did to make sure I could succeed. It's not that I wanted to let them down, but I felt robbed of a childhood and was childish and immature for quite some time, but I'm past that now and it took the loss of that sweater to wake me up. I had lost it while I was out drinking, sadly to say, but that sweater held a great part of my life because I got it on my 21st birthday. From two of the greatest influences in my life who made me realize that I was very loved, who never let me down. They made me realize so many things I probably should have known but didn't. I was so wrapped up, so lost in feeling sorry for myself I almost let myself waste so much.
I remember thinking that my 21st birthday was one of the best I've had in a very long time. It started off with a phone call from my brother Ed, he had been helping some people move and was denied access back through Canada to get back to Juneau, so he hitchhiked up to Fairbanks in the miserable cold of the back of a truck to see me on my birthday. Which I'm very thankful to even until today, then later I got a carepackage in the mail from Bob and Glenda, that had pants, sweaters, food, oh God was I thankful for that food then, the UAF food was horrible, and a birthday card and some money. I remember going through the two sweaters and picking one because it was comfortable and warm and from that day, I have worn that sweater ever since. Through snow, miserable below 0 weather, rain, and sunshine. Now I have lost that sweater and I feel like a huge part of my life is gone, that sweater was the most constant thing I've had these past few years.
I have also realized I need to get back to college and to finish my IT degree or something. I need to become the responsible person I once was years ago, I need to stop being childish and get over myself and that's my plan. I had been talking to a wonderful girl I met a little while back named Becca who has offered to help me get some funding so I can go back to school and this time I won't screw it up, I'll work towards my degree because I'm going to be 25 soon and I can no longer afford to be childish and I need to stop assuming the world owes me something when it really doesn't.
Even though I'll miss my sweater, it has made me realize how stupid I have been since I've gotten it. I cried a little because I lost it, but like I said, it has a lot to it, it also has the fact that it's been with me every day since I've gotten it. If I get it back, that'll be fantastic, it'll be a reminder of what I need to do in life now. It's odd how God and things work, but I'm ready to get over myself and start living a life worthy of the help I received throughout my childhood. Thank you Bob and Glenda, thank you Ed for showing up when you did. Thanks to everyone in my life who has helped me in my life when I really needed it. Chris and Gordon Greenwald, my mom and dad, Pat, Frank, Ralph, Jaren, Ben McLuckie and Stephanie Harold. Robert and Brenda are two I owe a huge thanks to as well, even though they don't have a Facebook because they're too young, they helped me realize a lot about myself as well. I have some amazing people in my life, even if I haven't mentioned you yet, there is no specific order to anything. Mary, Lizz, Trish, everyone. I can't believe I forgot to mention God. I am ready to be a man worthy of all your love, for all the contributions you've made to make me who I am. I love you and thank you with all my heart.
Okay, so I won't leave this world alive, but it's a Flogging Molly song that I'm listening to and it's a funny time for it to go to that song because I was about to post an update on my writing. Now, I haven't worked with Nathaniel, or Arne or Jessica in a while, but I have introduced a new story into my portfolio. It was an idea I've been toying with since I went back to Hoonah in April for my uncle's funeral. I was walking to visit some friends who live up in an area nicknamed Jackass Pass, and when you reach a set of stairs, there used to be a lot of trees there, but there aren't anymore. The land was clear cut for development, but nothing has ever been done with it, so when you look down you can see that part of midtown and across the water a little is an island called Graveyard Island and it looked like there was a group of people around one grave close to the water and when I stopped to get a better look there wasn't anything or anyone remotely close to that grave. So, an idea popped into my head about a council of the dead who decide when people are going to die, how they're going to die and why. It's a tough job now that I've put a lot of thought into it, but I've been having fun with it. I like how it starts and so do some other people so I think I'm doing a pretty good job. I also have a first chapter done so that makes me happy. I'm going to write some more, then post some of it on here to get some feedback, but the only person who really gives me feedback on my stories Lovestar, or however you spell her name and she looks to be back from a long hiatus of no Interwebz to update so I must say this, "HI!" and welcome back to the world of Xanga. I look forward to your feedback :). I must be off though, I'm on a client's computer and I must clear my Interwebz history before they come by.
I have a lot more on my mind than I usually let on. I know Father's Day was a little over a week ago and my uncle died about two months ago, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I still feel bad for my cousin's. I'm sure some of them had issues with the fact that their dad has died and is no longer of this earth and they couldn't do anything for him for Father's Day and I know them well enough that it did affect them. I know that the entire ordeal is depressing, I couldn't imagine losing a parent. Last October my cousin's on my dad's side lost their mom and that was a big thing and to be honest, there's just way too much death going on around me. Quite a few people that I know and I know it has nothing to do with me, but I still feel powerless, helpless to do or say anything. Last Sunday, Father's Day, I read PostSecret. It's a website where people send in postcards with anonymous secrets about them and their lives and since it was Father's Day they posted quite a few very depressing secrets. I bawled reading some of them because they were downright depressing. I felt bad for these people, these anonymous people, who have lost their father, some of them are glad their dad is gone, there are just a lot of father issues. I love my father and cherish him and I cherish my mom and everyone in my family because even though I knew it before, it's even more clear now that death does not discriminate. It can take away anyone at any time and no one knows when they will go and in a lot of ways that's scary, but I don't let it get to me too much because I know that I'm going to die, death is inevitable. I don't want to die, but it will happen some day, so every day I thank God for letting me keep certain people in my life, I'm thankful for everyone, but I can't lie, I do love some more than others. Close friends, relatives, the usual. What does one do when said close friend or relative loses one of their close friends/relative? I don't know, I don't think anyone will ever know what to do since losing someone close to you will always be extremely hard. I still remember when my uncle Charlie died, how everyone was affected by it. The entire town of Hoonah and people who knew him elsewhere in Alaska and probably in the US. I remember seeing how sad everyone was, I particularly remember feeling extremely depressed for Frank. Frank has been like a brother to me, when we were younger we were inseperable, now that we've gotten older we don't spend nearly enough time together, but we still care and love for one another. It doesn't help that I've moved to Juneau and he stayed in Hoonah and it doesn't help any more that I'm going to move to Tennessee, but Frank and I will always have what we had. I remember going out to drink with them when they brought my uncle's body over to be prepared for the funeral, I remember Frank just losing it when I got there. He didn't have to be strong for everyone and for the first time since his father died he let his emotions out. He hugged me, he hugged me very tight, like someone does when they are afraid or scared or sad, I remember him telling me over and over, "Seth. My dad is dead, he's dead!" and he just repeated it and didn't let go so I just held onto him just as tight, feeling stupid because I had no words of comfort, just that I felt bad for him and I wished I could help more. I think a lot of this is on my mind because I don't cope with anything depressing very well. I do hold things in and it's already gotten to the point once before that I just couldn't deal with it and apparently I didn't help myself enough because it's still there. It's just remembering everyone who has passed in the past few years because there have been quite a few people that I once knew and took for granted who have passed. It's times like these when I had someone I fully trusted around me to just tell and to let things go. I don't do that with my parents anymore and I don't do that with my siblings much, I don't have my two best friends in the world to talk to about this. I don't know if I'm too compassionate but it's all still weighing me down. I'm also listening to a song called Seattle Skies by a group called Close To Home, it's an extremely powerful song that just gets to me. It hasn't helped to keep me in the highest of spirits, but it is helping me to cope with everything that's in me and just allowing me to cry. This is for everyone who has passed
Rich
Tessie
Roblee
Liv
Uncle Charlie
Dustin
Brian
Helena
Emily
There are others but I can't think of them currently
I miss you all, I miss you every day, I regret not talking to some of you more when I had the chance, I just honestly thought I'd have more time with you.
I'll post the lyrics to Seattle Skies as well:
Hey there saving grace, Please place this rose upon the grave it's too late. The crowd has gathered here, It doesn't make it easier to let you go. It's too late for goodbyes; it's so hard to watch them cry, tonight. It's too late now this time, it's so hard to say goodbye.
I know you finally found your way, I still need you in my life, and I miss you everyday, I know you finally found your way, But this skyline's getting old; it will never be the same.
Hey there missing faith, God shine the sun upon his face, once again. The crowd has gone away, but our memories remain. And now, it's too late for goodbyes, it's so hard to watch them cry. It's too late now this time, it's so hard to say goodbye.
I know you finally found your way, I still need you in my life, and I miss you everyday, I know you finally found your way, But this skyline's getting old; it will never be the same.
This is just me rambling and telling someone, even if it's my blog.
It could just be everything that has been going on lately, but some days I get a feeling I can't shake. Something is going on, but what? Or it could be my sick and exhausted brain thinking there is something going on, but who knows. Some days, I get these feelings that something more is going on than what is being let on. It's the subtle things that most people don't realize they're doing, or just subtle things in general. I'm not pointing anything out, but I'm used to things happening and when things alter themselves for no reason, it throws me off. I'm not to say that everyone will stay the same forever, but oh well. It could just be everything that has been happening around me as well, since there has been a lot.
Quite recently, there have been a large number of deaths, here in Southeast Alaska in general. Three in Hoonah, well almost 4, there was another Hoonah citizen who died, but they had moved, but their influence and family is well known. So, in less than a month, 4 people who live or lived in Hoonah have died, that's quite a bit for one small town of less than 900 people, wouldn't you say? It's not just in the last month either, it's in the past couple of years. In Gustavus, a 16 year old kid accidentally drove his car off the ramp and into the water and they have yet to find his body. In Haines, two kids died in a kyaking accident, the third barely survived and here in Hoonah, a woman I used to work with, the guy she was with died. No, one really knows what happened, but they found him in the harbor. Second to die was my uncle Charlie, this was a particularly hard blow due to the fact that I spent more time at their house than mine in Hoonah while I was growing up. I was best friends with Frank, his son. Third was a guy I grew up with and knew fairly well, even though we weren't the closest, I still had quite a bit of interaction with him. Dustin unfortunately commited suicide. His death effected me for many, many reasons. 1. was the fact that I grew up with him, 2, I was right across the street when it happened. I heard the gunshot, heard the commotion that ensued afterwards and saw the ambulance and at first, I didn't think anything of it. Everything happened slowly, there was no big scene or any screaming or yelling, just a... eerie, quietness to the whole thing.
After all this happened, after attending the funeral of my uncle, being there for Frank and everyone in the family as much as I could, after standing by Frank's side as much as I could to help support him, then having to hear the gun shot go off, I couldn't take it anymore. I really can't take many more people around me dying, it's a sad thing to deal with. Yes, I believe there's an afterlife, but I enjoy hanging out with the people I know while they're still living, most people I know play some sort of role in my life and to not have them anymore, is quite sad. So, the night everything happened with Dustin, I just broke down. I have never been one to really express emotion, especially such strong feelings, I just can't, but that night I cried. I cried for about an hour straight and I was just lost, no one to really talk to about it since the two guys I went to the most about anything were going through the same thing I've went through, have essentially experienced the past two years of watching people we knew and grew up in Hoonah knowing, dying around us. I had no phone, the phone I had temporary access to, my step-dad was being a jerk with and wouldn't really let me use it so I couldn't call the people I normally call. I also neglected to mention the fact that my dad was in the psych ward in Juneau for attempting suicide himself, really not helpful.
I broke for a bit, I'm still kind of broken, but I'm making it through things. I did talk to Mary about quite a bit of this, she's probably the only person I've told most of this to since I don't really talk about personal things as much, but I do with her. She's one of very few people I tell everything to and I appreciate her just letting me vent and ramble and just talk. I never told her, but there were a few conversations where I just cried while talking. I've mastered the art of crying in silence, without really reaching out to many people and I internalize quite a bit. It probably isn't the healthiest thing in the world, but it helps me to cope and to make it through everything, I don't hold everything in forever, but I do at first.
It's 2 in the morning and I can't sleep, I have so much on my mind and I'm actually quite sick. My ability to actually think is on and off, right now I had a clear enough mind to write, to blog. To do something I haven't actually done in a long while and it really helps. I wish this cold would go away, it's really not making life any easier, but I can make it through this. I can make it through this because I do believe in God and I know that He will not put me into any situation I can't handle, that everything in life happens for a reason, even if I don't fully understand the message right away. I do pray, I pray constantly, I ask for wisdom and guidance and the strength to make it through the tough parts of life and the strength to help my family and friends in these trying times, but right now, I just need a break. I also can make it through because He put many loving, wonderful people into my life and for that, I am thankful to Him for making it possible, that I do wake-up each morning and thank God that I am alive and that the people I love the most are mostly still around.
I may not be the best Christian, but I try. No one is perfect, in any sense of the word because we are all human. We are flawed by nature, but in spite of those flaws, we can be quite great human beings if we truly try. I try every day to be a great person and I usually succeed, but at the moment I'm probably not doing the best job since I have my own baggage to take care of and my own, tough and personal issues to work through. I will miss everyone I've lost, but I hope one day to see them again. I will tell myself it is okay to actually cry and to feel vulnerable and that as long as I have faith in the Lord, life will go according to His plan and I think that His plan is a wonderful one. I just have to remember that He is in control and not me since I like to try and take over.
It's 2:40 now and I'm still not tired, but I've decided to listen to the podcasts for the Sunday Service from Juneau Christian Center. It's the church I normally go to in Juneau and I miss it, there have been a number of messages lately that have made quite an impact on my life. If you'd like to check them out, just search Juneau Christian Center on iTunes and you'll find them. I'm off to listen to things and think.
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Jessica Clark was a girl most people could pass by without a second glance if she wasn’t smiling.She was memorable only as long as you paid attention enough to notice her and she had a natural energy which only attracted a select few of the world.Jessica was naturally beautiful, a brunette with long, flowing, slightly wavy hair and brilliant green eyes. Her body build was tall, around 5’9” and slightly thick but not enough for you to think she was fat or chunky.
She would randomly seem like she’s searching for something, but never could quite find it.She was quiet and shy, but only during your first encounters with her. The more you got to know her, if she allowed, the more she opened up.She was funny, outspoken when she felt the need to be and had a smile that would stop guys dead in their tracks with a laugh that made you think everything was right in the world.
My first impression of her was she was a lost soul.I used to frequent a park a few blocks away from my work for lunch and I’d walk past her as she was sitting on a bench just completely lost in her own world, with her golden retriever by her side.I always wondered what she was thinking, so completely lost in thought she didn’t pay attention to anything, just sat in the sun, stroking her dog.
On that day, I got there and walked past her, debating on waving hi today, but changed my mind.I got up to the street vendor’s cart owned by Leo, who was a short and funny man of Asian decent, but I never asked him his ethnicity.He didn’t have an accent so I assumed he was born and raised in the states somewhere.As I approached he greeted me like I was an old friend, just like he did every day.
“Hey Caleb! I wondered when you were going to get here today, how goes the good fight?”
“Oh, the usual Leo, it’s actually a very secure network I have going so I don’t worry if anyone is going to hack it.I think I’ll have a pretzel with cheese and a Pepsi.Figured I’d keep it simple and I haven’t had it in a while.”
“Sure thing Caleb, that’ll be $4.50”
“Thanks Leo, have a great day” I said as I parted.I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going and as I turned around I bumped into Jess and my pretzel fell onto the ground.Her dog went after it and I felt bad because I should’ve paid attention to where I was going.
“Oh! I’m sorry” we both said at once and we laughed at the same time as well for saying the same thing at the same time.
“It’s fine” I told her as I watched her dog eat the pretzel, “It’s a bummer he doesn’t like having the cheese with the pretzel, it’s so much better with it.” And she just noticed her dog eating my fallen lunch.
“I’m sorry! I’ll buy you a new one.” She assured me.
“Don’t worry, I hope your dog enjoys it and I can just buy a new one since I was the one not paying attention to where I was going.”
“No, no, I shouldn’t have been so close.I feel horrible; I shouldn’t have been so close.”
I laughed and she looked confused, “Seriously, it’s no big thing.It’s only a small price, here’s a random thought.I’ll buy a new one and buy you what you want, and then you can join me for lunch. I’d really enjoy the company if you’re up to it.”
“Oh” was all she managed and I could tell she was trying to let me down gently.
“You don’t have to join me, of course but don’t feel like you need to buy me a new pretzel” I smiled at her trying to reassure her.She smiled back and I felt better, I hadn’t scared her off.
“It’s not that I don’t want to, I just… I’m trying to get over some things.”
“Ah, that’s fine.I just see you every day when I get on lunch and I’ve wanted to say hi, I just never had the courage to.”
“That’s silly, why would you be afraid to say hi to me?”
I laughed a little nervous laugh, “Well, you just always seemed so lost in thought I didn’t want to interrupt you.”
“Is it that obvious?” she asked with a slight amount of embarrassment in her tone.
“It’s not like it’s a bad thing, I do it quite often actually.So, you don’t want to join me?I’m not a bad guy and I really do just want some company, I’m around computers all day and I don’t talk to many people at work.A good conversation would be good for me and you don’t have to and you don’t have to feel obliged to talk to me anymore if you do decide to join me.” “You know what?Sure, I’ll join you, but I’ll buy my own food, I was actually going to just get an iced tea from Leo.”
“Sweet” and as I played with her dog as she got her tea, she smiled at me again.I can’t explain why, but I felt the need to make her smile often, she wasn’t only meant to smile, she could change anyone’s mind with such a smile.
We walked around the park for a while saying nothing, just drinking.Her with her green tea with pomegranate, and me with my Pepsi, normally, I would’ve gotten what she got, but I felt like having a soda and I found myself feeling slightly unhealthy in comparison, but I shrugged it off.
“So, my name is Caleb.” What a way to start the conversation again I thought as we walked.
“My name is Jessica; it’s nice to meet you Caleb.You’re the first person I’ve willingly decided to have a conversation in a long while.The only person I talk to is Patrick” and she patted his head and he leaned in closer to her as they walked.
“I’ve always wanted a golden retriever, to be honest.Why’d you name him Patrick?I mean, it’s not a bad name, I just know people who use very generic names.Also, he’s very loyal, it’s easy to tell you two have a great friendship going.”
“I don’t know, Patrick, or Pat as I usually call him just fits, you know?So, do you not have any pets?What’s stopping you from getting a dog?”
“That’s an excellent question, but the answer is lame.Where I live is in an apartment complex and they don’t allow pets.Usually small ones, but I want a real dog” I said and I laughed at how ridiculous that sounded after I said it.She laughed as well.
“I can understand that and I got Pat because I remember one of my neighbors had one and I used to play with her all the time and it almost seemed like she would protect me and she actually did.My dad was a little abusive” and she stopped there, “Whoa that was awkward, I’m sorry.I don’t normally open up that way, but I find myself wanting to tell you everything.”
I wasn’t quite sure how to go about the conversation after that but I smiled a little reassuring smile, “I don’t mind if you want to talk.I don’t judge.”
We walked in silence as she thought of what to do. “I’m just tired of being hurt and opening up to people and sharing emotions is stupid.They don’t cause me anything but trouble…” and we continued on more in silence.“I guess a lot of it started when I was younger.I didn’t have the most caring parents or really any good caring adult in my life.
“My father was abusive and my mom wasn’t ever there.She just was gone all the time and I assumed she stayed at the bar a lot.When she did finally come home, her and my dad would argue for a while.
“My dad never really hurt me, he always went after my mom and I would just run, usually across the street and to my neighbor’s back yard.That’s where they kept their dog and she was always happy to see me.My neighbors were an older couple who didn’t have any kids, they just had golden retrievers.I played with one exclusively, the other dogs would join us on occasion but it was just Felisha and I.” and I could see tears welling up in her eyes as she kept talking,
“And Felisha welcomed me the same way each time.Always licked my face as I got on my knees to hug her and some days I’d really squeeze, but she never seemed to complain.I was also very grateful that Doug and Cheyenne never told me to leave their dogs alone; they knew that my parents were arguing again.The whole neighborhood could hear them.They never told my parents I was there, they just let me play and Felisha became my best friend…”
She went silent as she cried and I let her cry.Not knowing what to do, but I moved slightly closer to her as we walked around the park.
She coughed and wiped away her tears, “I really am sorry.I hadn’t planned on this.”
“It’s fine.I almost gave you a hug, but didn’t know how you would’ve reacted”
And before I knew it she threw her arms around me and squeezed.I hugged her back and she didn’t let go for a while and I didn’t let go of her until she was done.
“Thank you” she said, it was muffled since she had her face buried in my chest, but I understood it.
“You are very welcome.” I told her as she pulled away.
“I do miss talking to people and I used to see you each day as well.I never said hi to you because you usually had your earbuds in as you listened to your iPod.I saw you didn’t have them today so I planned on only saying hi to you as I got my drink from Leo and now I’m telling you things I’ve never told anyone.”
“So, we both wanted to say hi, but never did because you didn’t want to interrupt my music listening and I didn’t say hi because I didn’t want to interrupt your thought process.I think we’re a little alike, it’s a little funny.”
She laughed a little and I felt better that I could help her.
“Ok, no more of that.It’s your turn!” she laughed a little more.
“My turn, huh?What do you want to know?”
“Tell me something that you’ve never told anyone, something funny though.Please?” and she smiled at me and I was going to give in and tell her anyway, but I felt the urge to now.
“Well… this is actually a little embarrassing, but when I was younger, I was this very independent kid.I had to do everything on my own I had to figure everything out and one of those things was when I was around 6.I had to prove that I could walk home on my own at night.” I laughed a little to stall, but kept going, “and I had a fantastic time.I had convinced my parents to let me stay out at my friend Ryan’s house late and we had fun, then came the time for me to go home.
“Heh, Ben and Jodi asked me if I was sure I could handle it, or if they should give my parents a call so they can come pick me up, or if they could give me a ride, but I told them I had it under control.I was a big kid, you know?Well, I never paid much attention to things like the moon or the stars while I was walking, I only ever watched them as I lay on grass just gazing up.
She just smiled and listened so I continued.
“Well, the first time I noticed it, it looked like the moon and everything else was moving with me, or… following me.So, I thought I could get past it and keep moving, my house was only a few blocks away, right?I thought I could run and it would stop moving or stop, ‘following’ me and that didn’t help.The faster I ran, the faster it seemed to follow me and being 6, it creeped me out and I didn’t even make it half-way home before I ran back to Ryan’s house just bawling my eyes out, totally afraid that the moon was stalking me.”
She stifled a giggle and I went on.
“Jodi and Ben were good though, or they tried to be.As I explained to them, bawling my eyes out that the moon was scaring me, they did their best to not laugh.Ben failed a little and Jodi told him to shut up and she laughed just slightly.After they calmed me down they called my parents.I was then told to go upstairs and play with Ryan again as I waited for my mom to come and pick me up.Also, to this day, my mom still pokes fun of me at that story, so does the rest of my family.”
I waited and she was really holding back her laughter, “It’s ok to laugh.I don’t mind and I wanted you to laugh, that’s why I told that particular story.”
And she finally burst out laughing, I was glad it entertained her that much.
(This isn't finished yet, but I figured, "Oh well")
